The Mud

I promised ups and downs here, so I guess this is part of it!  Lately, I have been feeling really productive; that fresh feeling you get at the beginning of the school year, with crisp fall leaves and the coffee and optimism to fuel this for what seems like forever… BUT IT’S THE MIDDLE OF JULY.  It’s a delicate balance between accepting and appreciating your energy at the present while not being over-zealous but also not dampening it with cynicism.  It’s hard not to feel frustrated when the energy feels misplaced!  Motivated with nothing to be done.  Annoyed for not being able to accept positive energy.  Anxious because you’re terrified the feeling won’t be back when you’ll need it most…

I go through long periods of time, especially during any sort of break period, where I find myself completely unable to do much of anything.  Reply to an email? Exercise? Text a friend back? Make food? Nope.  But then I come across some new music or quotes or something that fits right in the spot I need and I feel back to life for a while.  It’s the self I recognize and admire; able to help, able to care.
And that’s where I’m at.  I’ve been relatively consistent in my yoga practice and able to identify and accept what it is I need each day, even if it is rest.  I’m meditating again (I do this before bed), and it makes me feel more at ease.  I am more present without being too absorbed by the whole idea– dwelling less on the past and the future, and less reliant on my inner world musings.

Sometimes we put ourselves in the mud.  Sometime in the future, I will find myself in a situation where I feel lost, confused, incapable… we all will.  Sometimes things will be fine but I’ll just feel bad for some reason, other times they really will just be shitty.  Recently I’ve had more days than I remember that turned out to be amazing after beginning with an unexplained sense of impending doom.  Maybe this is just a lot of talk about what’s already known and mutual exclusivities and maybe there’s a point; you be the judge.


For now, the plan is to not get too big about the whole thing.  Not everything has to work perfectly into the screenplay that is your life…
There are so many changes on the horizon right now that I could not even begin to imagine how anything may fit together or unravel.  Zero sense at all.  And I’m not going to get all overly hopeful about it or anxious, just gonna do what I can and it will happen.  I don’t feel prepared, not in the least, but I don’t need to right now.  Just need to keep moving forward even if sometimes I pause and be a participant in my own life.

“You get there by realizing you are already there.”
Breathe into the spaces and be filled with peace, even when the world feels turbulent.

~ E



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